Emotional Regulation and Building Resilience in Early Years Children
Key Takeaways
Co-Regulation: Children learn emotional regulation through supportive relationships with adults who model and coach regulation skills before they can self-regulate.
Brain Development: The prefrontal cortex, responsible for emotional control, develops more slowly than emotional brain regions, explaining why young children experience big feelings but struggle to manage them.
Environment Impacts Regulation: Creating predictable routines, calm spaces, and using consistent language significantly supports children’s developing regulation abilities.
Progressive independence: Emotional regulation develops gradually from birth through adolescence, with children becoming increasingly capable of managing emotions independently while still sometimes needing support.
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The Essentials: Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Development
What if the most important skill we could teach young children isn’t counting or the alphabet, but rather how to understand and manage their own feelings?
Across both research and practice, a revolution is taking place in how we understand early childhood development. While academic skills remain important, the ability to identify, express, and regulate emotions—what experts call “emotional regulation”—has emerged as perhaps the most critical foundation for lifelong success and wellbeing.
For parents and early years professionals, this shift represents both a challenge and an opportunity. Many of us weren’t taught these skills explicitly in our own childhoods, yet we’re now responsible for nurturing them in the children we care for.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
At its core, emotional regulation is the ability to manage emotions in a way that allows us to respond rather than react to situations. For young children, this means gradually developing the capacity to:
- Recognize and name different feelings
- Express emotions in appropriate ways
- Calm down when upset or overstimulated
- Adjust emotional responses to fit different situations
- Recover from disappointments and setbacks
Unlike emotional suppression (which involves hiding or denying feelings), healthy emotional regulation acknowledges all emotions as valid while developing strategies to express them constructively. The goal isn’t to eliminate difficult feelings but to build a toolkit for handling them effectively.
Research clearly shows that emotional regulation differs significantly from emotional suppression. While suppression can lead to increased stress and anxiety, healthy regulation allows children to process emotions in ways that support their development and wellbeing (Eisenberg et al., 1997).
The Developmental Journey
Emotional regulation isn’t something children are born knowing—it’s a skill that develops gradually through experience and guidance. This development follows a predictable pattern:
Birth to 1 year: Babies rely completely on caregivers for regulation through soothing, holding, and meeting needs. This “co-regulation” builds the foundation for later self-regulation skills.
1-3 years: Toddlers begin recognizing basic emotions and develop simple coping strategies, but still need significant adult support during emotional moments. Language development plays a crucial role as children gain words for feelings.
3-5 years: Preschoolers develop more sophisticated understanding of emotions and begin intentionally using strategies to manage feelings, though they still struggle with intense emotions.
5-8 years: School-age children increasingly internalize regulation strategies and can apply them more independently, though they continue to need adult guidance during challenging situations.
Understanding this progression helps set realistic expectations. A two-year-old having a meltdown isn’t “being naughty”—they’re working through a developmental phase with still-developing regulation tools.
The Connection to Resilience
Emotional regulation forms the foundation for resilience—the ability to adapt and bounce back from adversity. Children who can manage their emotions effectively are better equipped to:
- Navigate social relationships
- Persist through challenges
- Problem-solve independently
- Adapt to changes and transitions
- Recover from disappointments
Research confirms that these skills predict academic achievement, social competence, and mental health more strongly than IQ or academic knowledge alone (Eisenberg et al., 1997). By investing in emotional regulation, we’re giving children tools that will serve them throughout their lives.
Why This Matters to You
Whether you’re a parent navigating tantrums at home or an early years professional supporting a classroom of diverse emotional needs, understanding emotional regulation offers practical benefits:
For Parents:
- More peaceful home environment
- Fewer power struggles and conflicts
- Stronger parent-child relationships
- Greater confidence in handling emotional moments
- Children who are better prepared for school and social settings
For Early Years Professionals:
- More effective classroom management
- Stronger teacher-child relationships
- Improved learning outcomes across all domains
- Better documentation of social-emotional development
- Professional satisfaction in supporting the whole child
As one early childhood educator noted, “Self-regulation is the greatest gift we can give to children. Children who experience nurturing and stable caregiving go on to develop greater resilience and the ability to self-regulate uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions” (Conkbayir, 2017).
The Science: Why Your Child’s Emotional Toolbox Matters
Understanding the science behind emotional regulation can help us appreciate why these skills are so critical for young children’s development. Far from being a “soft skill,” emotional regulation has concrete neurological foundations that impact lifelong wellbeing.
Brain Development and Emotional Regulation
The human brain develops from the bottom up, with more primitive structures forming first and higher-level thinking areas maturing later. This developmental sequence has profound implications for emotional regulation:
- The limbic system (including the amygdala), which processes emotions and triggers fight-flight-freeze responses, develops early in life.
- The prefrontal cortex, which handles executive functions like planning, reasoning, and impulse control, develops more slowly and isn’t fully mature until early adulthood.
This gap in development timing explains why young children experience big emotions but lack the neural equipment to manage them effectively without help. As neuroscientist Nim Tottenham explains, “Humans may owe their sophisticated emotion regulation skills to the ‘extension’ of childhood that has evolved in us” (Tottenham, 2018).
Research using brain imaging shows that effective emotional regulation involves communication between these different brain regions. As children develop, connections between the prefrontal cortex and limbic system strengthen, allowing for better emotion management (Gee et al., 2013).
The Window of Opportunity
Early childhood represents a critical window for developing these neural connections. During the first five years, the brain forms connections at an astounding rate, creating pathways that will be used throughout life. These connections are strengthened through repeated experiences, making early emotional learning particularly powerful.
This doesn’t mean children who miss early opportunities can’t develop these skills later—thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains can change throughout life. However, establishing strong foundations in the early years makes future development more efficient and resilient (Center on the Developing Child, 2016).
Stress Response and Regulation
Understanding how stress affects the developing brain helps explain why emotional regulation matters so much:
- When children experience stress, their bodies release hormones like cortisol that trigger the fight-flight-freeze response.
- Occasional, moderate stress followed by supportive recovery helps build resilience—children learn they can handle difficult feelings and bounce back.
- Frequent or prolonged stress without adequate support can create a chronically elevated stress response, interfering with learning, immune function, and emotional wellbeing.
Children who develop effective regulation skills learn to manage this stress response system, preventing harmful effects of chronic stress while building resilience through manageable challenges (Gunnar & Quevedo, 2007).
The Impact on Learning and Social Development
Emotional regulation has direct effects on children’s ability to learn and build relationships:
- Attention and Memory: When children are emotionally dysregulated, cognitive resources are directed toward managing distress rather than learning. Research shows that well-regulated children can better focus their attention and process new information (Blair & Raver, 2015).
- Social Relationships: Emotional regulation supports positive peer interactions by helping children navigate the give-and-take of friendships, manage conflicts, and respond appropriately to others’ emotions (Denham et al., 2003).
- Academic Achievement: Studies consistently find that children with stronger emotional regulation skills achieve better academic outcomes, even when controlling for factors like IQ and socioeconomic status.
One study following children from kindergarten through high school found that those with better emotional regulation skills at age 5 were more likely to graduate, attend college, and maintain steady employment as young adults (Jones et al., 2015).
Breaking the Myth: Academic vs. Emotional Learning
For too long, emotional learning and academic learning have been viewed as separate or even competing priorities. Current research completely dismantles this false dichotomy, showing that:
- The same brain systems involved in emotional regulation also support attention, memory, and cognitive flexibility
- Emotional security provides the foundation for exploration and learning
- Social-emotional skills directly predict academic achievement
As Dr. Lisa Damour notes, “When we pit academics against emotional wellbeing, both lose. When we recognize their interconnection, both thrive” (Damour, 2019).
The Partnership: How Adults Help Build Emotional Skills
Perhaps the most important insight from research on emotional regulation is that these skills develop not in isolation but through relationships. Adults play a crucial role in helping children learn to manage their emotions through the process of co-regulation.
Understanding Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the interactive process through which adults help children manage their emotions and gradually build self-regulation skills. Think of it as emotional scaffolding—providing just enough support for children to gradually develop their own capabilities.
“At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who’s in distress and being able to evaluate what that child needs in the moment to help calm themselves,” explains Dr. Lauren Marchette, a child and adolescent psychologist at Harvard Medical School (Marchette, 2024).
Co-regulation involves three key elements:
- A warm, responsive relationship that provides emotional security
- Environmental structure that provides predictable routines and appropriate expectations
- Skills coaching that helps children understand and manage emotions
This process evolves as children develop. Infants need complete regulation support from caregivers, while older children benefit more from emotional coaching and guided practice.
The Adult’s Role as Emotion Coach
Effective emotion coaching requires adults to:
- Be aware of emotions in themselves and the child
- View emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching, not problems to be fixed
- Validate feelings even when setting limits on behavior
- Label emotions to build emotional vocabulary
- Problem-solve together to develop coping strategies
Research by John Gottman found that children whose parents used emotion coaching approaches had better emotional regulation, stronger friendships, higher academic achievement, and fewer behavioral problems than children whose parents dismissed or disapproved of emotions (Gottman et al., 1996).
Managing Your Own Emotions First
One often-overlooked aspect of co-regulation is the importance of adults managing their own emotions effectively. Before we can help children regulate, we need to regulate ourselves—a principle sometimes called “putting on your own oxygen mask first.”
When adults respond to children’s big emotions with frustration, anger, or anxiety, it can escalate rather than soothe distress. Conversely, when adults model calm responses to challenging situations, children learn powerful lessons about emotional management.
This doesn’t mean adults must be perfectly calm at all times—in fact, showing children how you recognize and manage your own difficult emotions provides valuable learning opportunities. The key is transparently demonstrating healthy regulation rather than emotional reactivity.
As one early childhood expert explains, “Co-regulation requires that we—as parents, carers, educators—explicitly teach emotional self-regulation skills through modelling our own self-regulation” (Reframing Autism, 2023).
Cultural Considerations in Emotional Support
Emotional expression and regulation are deeply influenced by cultural contexts. Different cultures may have varying expectations about:
- Which emotions are appropriate to express and when
- How emotions should be communicated
- Who should be involved in helping children manage emotions
- What emotional regulation goals matter most
Effective emotional support respects and responds to these cultural differences rather than imposing a single approach. For example, some cultures emphasize community-oriented emotional regulation strategies, while others focus more on individual coping skills.
Parents and early years professionals should consider cultural backgrounds when supporting emotional development, honoring family values while helping children develop the regulation skills they need to thrive in multiple contexts.
Balancing Support with Independence
As with many aspects of development, supporting emotional regulation requires finding the balance between providing help and encouraging independence. Too much intervention can leave children dependent on adults to manage their emotions, while too little can leave them overwhelmed.
Effective support involves gradually releasing responsibility as children develop skills—what psychologist Lev Vygotsky called the “zone of proximal development.” This means:
- Providing maximum support during intense emotional moments
- Gradually stepping back as children demonstrate new skills
- Offering guidance that helps children solve emotional challenges themselves
- Celebrating growing independence while remaining available when needed
This progressive approach helps children build confidence in their ability to handle emotions while ensuring they don’t face challenges beyond their developmental capacity.
The Tools: Practical Strategies for Teaching Emotional Regulation
With a foundation in understanding emotional regulation and the adult’s role in co-regulation, we can now explore practical strategies for helping children develop these essential skills.
Age-Appropriate Techniques
Effective approaches to supporting emotional regulation vary depending on children’s developmental stage:
For Infants (0-12 months):
- Respond quickly and consistently to signs of distress
- Use gentle physical soothing (rocking, holding, swaddling)
- Maintain a calm demeanor and soothing voice
- Create predictable routines for sleeping, feeding, and play
- Recognize and respect individual temperament differences
For Toddlers (1-3 years):
- Label emotions simply: “You feel sad” or “You look angry”
- Offer physical comfort while validating feelings
- Provide simple choices to restore a sense of control
- Use simple distraction for minor upsets
- Begin teaching basic calming strategies like deep breaths
- Maintain consistent routines and prepare for transitions
For Preschoolers (3-5 years):
- Expand emotional vocabulary with more nuanced feeling words
- Help identify body signals of different emotions
- Introduce problem-solving: “What could you do when you feel this way?”
- Create designated calming spaces with soothing materials
- Use stories and puppets to discuss emotional scenarios
- Practice calming techniques regularly, not just during upsets
For School-Age Children (5-8 years):
- Teach more sophisticated regulation strategies like positive self-talk
- Help connect feelings, thoughts, and behaviors
- Discuss multiple ways to handle difficult emotions
- Encourage reflection on what strategies work best
- Support emotional problem-solving in social situations
- Gradually increase expectations for independent regulation
Emotion Vocabulary Development
Children can’t regulate what they can’t name. Developing a rich emotional vocabulary helps children identify and communicate their feelings, a crucial first step in managing them.
Ways to build emotional vocabulary include:
- Labeling your own feelings throughout the day
- Reading books about emotions
- Using feeling charts or cards with faces showing different expressions
- Playing emotion charades or guessing games
- Noticing and naming emotions observed in others
- Expanding beyond basic labels (happy, sad, mad) to more specific terms (disappointed, frustrated, nervous, excited)
Research shows that children with larger emotion vocabularies demonstrate better regulation skills and fewer behavior problems.
Calming Techniques and Sensory Approaches
Physical calming strategies help children manage the physiological aspects of emotions, making it easier to think clearly and respond appropriately. Effective approaches include:
Breathing techniques:
- “Balloon breathing” (inflate belly like a balloon)
- “Five-finger breathing” (trace fingers while breathing)
- “Smell the flower, blow the pinwheel” (inhale and exhale slowly)
Movement strategies:
- Jumping or running (to release energy)
- Pushing against a wall (for proprioceptive input)
- Animal walks (bear crawls, crab walks, frog jumps)
- Child-friendly yoga poses
Sensory regulation tools:
- Fidget toys for tactile input
- Weighted items for deep pressure
- Noise-canceling headphones for sound sensitivity
- Visual timers to support transitions
These physical strategies are particularly important because emotions have a bodily component that children experience intensely. Regular practice helps children develop body awareness that supports emotional recognition and regulation.
Using Storytelling and Play
Stories and play provide powerful contexts for developing emotional regulation skills in ways that directly engage children:
Storybooks that explore emotional themes help children:
- See emotional challenges and solutions modeled by characters
- Discuss feelings in a low-pressure context
- Develop empathy by considering others’ perspectives
- Build emotional vocabulary through narrative
Pretend play offers opportunities to:
- Practice different emotional roles and scenarios
- Rehearse regulation strategies in imaginary situations
- Process and make sense of emotional experiences
- Exercise emotional flexibility through role-playing
Puppet play enables adults to:
- Demonstrate emotional situations in an engaging way
- Model appropriate emotional responses
- Create dialogue about feelings and strategies
- Allow children to practice emotion coaching by helping the puppet
These approaches work well because they engage children’s natural interests while creating psychological distance that makes emotional topics feel safer to explore.
The Environment: Creating Spaces That Support Emotional Growth
The environments in which children live and learn significantly impact their ability to develop emotional regulation skills. Thoughtfully designed physical spaces and consistent routines provide the foundation children need to practice and strengthen these capabilities.
Physical Space Considerations
Research shows that the physical environment directly affects children’s emotional states and regulation abilities (Hunter, 2023). Key elements of supportive environments include:
Organized spaces that promote a sense of predictability and security:
- Clear, consistent organization systems
- Visual labels to support independence
- Regular decluttering to reduce overstimulation
- Materials returned to the same locations
Calming areas where children can retreat when emotions feel overwhelming:
- Comfortable seating (bean bags, pillows, or soft rugs)
- Sensory tools (fidgets, stress balls, weighted items)
- Visual supports for calming strategies
- Books about emotions and self-regulation
- Partially enclosed to provide a sense of safety without isolation
Sensory-friendly elements that support regulation:
- Natural lighting when possible, or alternatives to harsh fluorescent lights
- Noise management through sound-absorbing materials
- Visual simplicity to reduce overstimulation
- Natural elements that connect to the outdoors
- Variety of textures and sensory experiences available but organized
Visual supports that reinforce emotional learning:
- Feelings charts or photographs showing different expressions
- Visual reminders of calming strategies
- Pictures showing problem-solving sequences
- Personalized calming strategy cards
Early childhood expert Cath Hunter notes, “Settings that are clean, tidy and which ensure things are kept in the same place, so children can access them freely, provide an essential sense of stability and predictability” (Hunter, 2023).
Routines and Transitions That Reduce Emotional Challenges
Predictable routines help children feel secure and reduce the anxiety that can trigger emotional dysregulation. Effective approaches include:
Consistent daily schedules that provide structure without rigidity:
- Visual schedules showing the sequence of activities
- Regular review of “what comes next” throughout the day
- Predictable routines for arrivals, departures, meals, and rest
- Balanced mixture of active and quieter activities
Smooth transitions between activities:
- Advance warning before transitions (“Five more minutes before cleanup”)
- Transition signals (songs, sound cues, visual timers)
- Consistent transition routines (e.g., always gathering on the carpet after cleanup)
- Individual supports for children who find transitions particularly challenging
Predictable responses to emotional situations:
- Consistent expectations about acceptable expressions of emotion
- Clear, simple limits paired with emotional validation
- Reliable access to calming strategies and spaces
- Regular opportunities to practice regulation during calm moments
When children can predict what will happen in their environment, they have more cognitive resources available for learning emotional skills rather than managing uncertainty.
Language and Communication Approaches
The language adults use profoundly shapes children’s emotional development. Research-based communication strategies include:
Emotion coaching language that:
- Labels feelings without judgment (“You’re feeling frustrated”)
- Validates emotions while setting behavioral limits (“It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit”)
- Offers reflective observations (“I notice your fists are clenched”)
- Provides narrative support during emotional moments (“You wanted the blue truck, but Sam has it now”)
Problem-solving language that:
- Asks open-ended questions (“What could you try next time?”)
- Offers choices within limits (“Would you like to take deep breaths or count to ten?”)
- Encourages reflection (“How did that strategy work for you?”)
- Frames challenges as learning opportunities (“You’re learning how to wait your turn”)
Positive communication patterns like:
- Using a calm, regulated tone even during difficult moments
- Maintaining a balance of positive to negative interactions (aim for at least 5:1)
- Commenting on specific regulation efforts (“You took deep breaths when you felt upset”)
- Creating space for children to express themselves without interruption
Language doesn’t just describe emotional reality—it helps create it. The words adults choose directly shape how children understand and respond to their emotional experiences.
Adult Modeling and Consistency
Perhaps the most powerful environmental factor is the consistent modeling provided by the adults in children’s lives. Children learn emotional regulation not primarily through what we tell them, but through what we show them.
Effective modeling involves:
- Demonstrating healthy regulation of your own emotions in authentic ways
- Naming your feelings and regulation strategies out loud (“I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take some deep breaths”)
- Explicitly sharing your learning process (“Last time I got angry, I yelled. This time I’m trying something different”)
- Showing repair after regulation failures (“I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling overwhelmed, but I should have taken a break”)
- Maintaining consistency between home and school/care environments when possible
Research shows that children’s observation of adult emotional regulation is a stronger predictor of their skills than direct instruction (Eisenberg et al., 2003).
The Challenges: Helping Children Through Emotional Storms
Even with supportive environments and strong co-regulation, children will still experience moments of emotional overwhelm. These challenging situations provide important opportunities for learning and growth when handled effectively.
Effective Responses to Tantrums and Emotional Outbursts
Tantrums and emotional outbursts are normal developmental behaviors, particularly in children aged 1-4 years. They represent a child’s best attempt to manage overwhelming feelings with limited regulation skills. Effective responses include:
During the outburst:
- Ensure physical safety for the child and others
- Remain calm and regulated yourself
- Limit talking—a flooded child can’t process language well
- Offer physical proximity if the child is receptive
- Use simple validation if helpful (“You’re having big feelings”)
- Give time and space for the emotion to run its course
After the child begins to calm:
- Offer comfort and connection
- Label what happened (“You had some big angry feelings”)
- Reflect on what triggered the feelings when appropriate
- Reinforce any regulation strategies the child attempted
- Support problem-solving if needed
Later, during a calm moment:
- Revisit the situation briefly if appropriate
- Practice regulation strategies proactively
- Read stories about characters with similar experiences
- Role-play alternative responses through play
Scott Bezsylko, executive director of Winston Prep schools, recommends viewing tantrums as learning opportunities rather than bad behavior: “When you think of it as a skill to be taught—rather than, say, just bad behavior—it changes the tone and content of the feedback you give kids” (Child Mind Institute, 2025).
Supporting Children Through Transitions and Changes
Major life transitions (moving homes, changing schools, new siblings) and even daily transitions between activities can trigger emotional dysregulation. Supportive approaches include:
For major life changes:
- Prepare children in advance with simple, honest information
- Create visual supports like social stories or countdown calendars
- Maintain consistent routines in other areas when possible
- Provide extra emotional co-regulation during transition periods
- Acknowledge and validate feelings about the change
- Find ways to establish continuity between old and new situations
For daily transitions:
- Use consistent transition warnings and signals
- Create transition rituals (songs, movements, or simple routines)
- Provide visual schedules showing the sequence of activities
- Allow children to bring transitional objects for security
- Recognize that transitions at the end of enjoyable activities are especially challenging
- Adjust expectations during high-transition days
During periods of change, children often regress in their emotional regulation abilities temporarily. This is a normal response to stress and typically resolves as they adjust to new circumstances with consistent support.
Helping Children Navigate Disappointments and Setbacks
Learning to handle disappointment is a crucial aspect of emotional regulation and resilience. Adults can support this development by:
Allowing children to experience manageable disappointments rather than protecting them from all negative feelings
Validating emotions without rushing to fix or minimize them (“It’s really disappointing when plans change”)
Modeling healthy disappointment management in your own life
Teaching specific coping strategies for disappointment:
- Accepting what can’t be changed
- Finding silver linings or alternative perspectives
- Making a new plan
- Taking a break before deciding what to do next
Reading stories about characters facing and overcoming disappointments
Connecting current disappointments to past experiences of resilience (“Remember when X happened? You were sad then too, but you got through it”)
These experiences, when supported appropriately, build the emotional muscles children need for future challenges.
Approaches for Children with Heightened Sensitivity
Some children are naturally more emotionally sensitive or reactive due to temperament, sensory processing differences, or other factors. These children often need additional or modified support:
For children with sensory sensitivities:
- Identify specific sensory triggers through careful observation
- Create environmental accommodations (noise-reducing headphones, less visual stimulation)
- Teach body awareness to recognize early signs of overload
- Develop personalized regulation plans with specific sensory strategies
- Provide sensory breaks throughout the day
For anxious children:
- Recognize physical signs of anxiety (stomach aches, rapid breathing)
- Avoid dismissing worries while not reinforcing them
- Teach specific anxiety management strategies (progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery)
- Create gradual exposure plans for manageable anxiety-provoking situations
- Focus on building a sense of capability rather than eliminating anxiety
For children with intense emotional reactions:
- Identify early warning signs of emotional escalation
- Create calm-down plans with specific sequential steps
- Provide more frequent connection and co-regulation
- Teach explicit pause strategies before responding to emotions
- Adjust environmental demands when needed while gradually building capacity
These adaptations should be seen not as permanent accommodations but as temporary scaffolding that can be gradually reduced as children develop stronger internal regulation skills.
The Progress: Recognizing When Your Child’s Toolbox Is Growing
Parents and early years professionals often wonder how to measure progress in emotional regulation development. While standardized assessments exist, everyday observations often provide the most meaningful insights into children’s growing capabilities.
Observable Indicators of Developing Emotional Regulation
Signs of developing emotional regulation skills include:
Increased emotional vocabulary:
- Using more specific emotion words beyond happy/sad/mad
- Accurately labeling their own emotional states
- Recognizing emotions in others
- Describing emotional experiences with greater detail
Growing self-awareness:
- Noticing physical signs of emotions (“My heart beats fast when I’m scared”)
- Identifying personal triggers (“I get frustrated when games have too many rules”)
- Recognizing early warning signs of emotional escalation
- Understanding connections between situations and feelings
Developing strategy use:
- Attempting calming strategies independently
- Selecting appropriate strategies for different emotions
- Using strategies preventatively, not just during crisis
- Articulating which strategies work best in different situations
Behavioral changes:
- Recovering more quickly from emotional upsets
- Showing increased flexibility when plans change
- Seeking help appropriately when emotions feel overwhelming
- Tolerating increasingly challenging situations
Social-emotional maturation:
- Showing empathy for others’ emotional experiences
- Using words more often than actions to express feelings
- Negotiating solutions during peer conflicts
- Delaying gratification for longer periods
Progress in these areas typically occurs gradually with occasional regressions, particularly during times of stress or transition. The overall trajectory matters more than any single observation.
Documentation Approaches for Tracking Growth
Documenting emotional regulation development helps recognize patterns, celebrate progress, and identify areas needing additional support. Effective approaches include:
Anecdotal records that capture specific incidents:
- Date and time of the emotional event
- What happened before, during, and after
- Strategies the child attempted or used successfully
- Adult support provided
- Resolution of the situation
Emotional frequency tracking:
- Monitoring specific challenging behaviors (tantrums, aggression)
- Tracking duration of emotional episodes
- Noting time needed to recover from upsets
- Recording successful strategy use
Visual documentation:
- Photographs of children using regulation tools
- Samples of artwork expressing emotional understanding
- Video clips showing strategy use (with appropriate permissions)
- Collections of children’s words about emotions and strategies
Collaborative assessment:
- Regularly sharing observations between home and school/care settings
- Involving children in age-appropriate self-assessment
- Gathering perspectives from all adults who work with the child
- Creating holistic profiles of emotional strengths and growth areas
These documentation practices should focus primarily on progress rather than deficits, highlighting growth over time while identifying specific areas for continued support.
Celebrating Small Wins and Incremental Improvements
Emotional regulation develops through thousands of small moments rather than dramatic breakthroughs. Noticing and celebrating incremental progress helps maintain motivation and builds children’s emotional self-concept. Opportunities for celebration include:
- The first time a child uses a calming strategy independently
- Improved recovery time from emotional upsets
- Using words instead of physical actions when upset
- Attempting a challenging situation that previously caused avoidance
- Making connections between strategies and emotional states
- Showing empathy for another child’s emotional experience
- Identifying a new emotion or body signal
Celebrations should be genuine and specific (“I noticed you took three deep breaths when you felt frustrated—that shows you’re learning to help your body calm down”) rather than generic praise.
Communicating About Emotional Development with Others
Effective communication about emotional development creates consistency between settings and ensures children receive the support they need. Consider these approaches:
Between home and school/care settings:
- Create shared language around emotions and strategies
- Establish regular communication channels (journals, apps, check-ins)
- Share significant emotional events and successful supports
- Develop consistent responses to challenging behaviors
- Celebrate progress together
With children themselves:
- Use growth-oriented language that emphasizes learning and effort
- Make strategies explicit through visual reminders and discussions
- Reflect together on what works well and what doesn’t
- Invite children to teach others their successful strategies
- Frame setbacks as opportunities to learn and try again
With other professionals when needed:
- Document specific patterns and concerns
- Focus on observable behaviors rather than interpretations
- Share successful supports and interventions
- Ask targeted questions about developmental expectations
- Collaborate on consistent approaches across settings
Clear, strength-based communication helps ensure that children’s emotional development is supported cohesively across all the environments where they learn and grow.
The Support: When and How to Seek Additional Help
While most children develop emotional regulation skills through supportive relationships and environments, some may need additional help. Knowing when and how to seek support is an important aspect of promoting emotional wellbeing.
Signs That a Child May Need Extra Help with Emotional Regulation
Consider seeking additional support if you observe:
Persistent challenges that:
- Continue despite consistent use of effective strategies
- Are significantly more intense or frequent than peers of similar age
- Show little improvement over time
- Occur across multiple settings (home, school, community)
Significant impacts on:
- Daily functioning and participation
- Learning and academic progress
- Peer relationships and social development
- Family life and routines
- The child’s self-concept and confidence
Specific concerning patterns such as:
- Emotional responses that seem disconnected from triggering events
- Prolonged recovery from emotional episodes (taking hours rather than minutes)
- Extremely limited emotional expression (appearing “flat” or disconnected)
- Intense anxiety that prevents participation in age-appropriate activities
- Aggressive behavior that poses safety risks
- Rapidly shifting emotional states without clear triggers
These signs don’t necessarily indicate a disorder but suggest that additional assessment and support may benefit the child and family.
Resources for Professional Guidance and Support
Various professional resources can help children with emotional regulation challenges:
School-based supports:
- School counselors or psychologists
- Student support teams
- School social workers
- Early intervention programs
- Classroom accommodations through formal support plans
Community resources:
- Pediatricians with developmental expertise
- Child psychologists or therapists
- Family counselors
- Parenting programs focused on emotional development
- Play therapy specialists
- Support groups for parents
Specialized approaches that may be recommended:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy
- Play therapy
- Parent-child interaction therapy
- Mindfulness-based interventions
- Occupational therapy for sensory processing support
- Dialectical behavior therapy-informed approaches for older children
The specific support needed varies greatly depending on the child’s age, challenges, and family context. Starting with a comprehensive assessment helps identify the most appropriate resources.
Collaborative Approaches Between Parents and Professionals
Effective support for emotional regulation challenges requires partnership between families and professionals. Consider these collaborative approaches:
Shared goal-setting that:
- Focuses on specific, observable behaviors
- Identifies priorities meaningful to the child and family
- Establishes realistic timeframes for progress
- Creates coherent support across settings
Consistent communication through:
- Regular update meetings
- Daily or weekly logs between settings
- Shared tracking of strategy effectiveness
- Clear points of contact for questions or concerns
Knowledge and strategy exchange where:
- Parents share detailed information about what works at home
- Professionals share evidence-based approaches and developmental expertise
- Successful strategies are adapted for use across settings
- All parties respect each other’s unique perspectives and knowledge
Regular review and adjustment that:
- Evaluates progress toward established goals
- Modifies approaches based on what’s working
- Celebrates successes while honestly addressing challenges
- Adjusts expectations as the child develops new skills
This collaborative approach ensures that children receive coordinated support that respects family values while incorporating professional expertise.
Supporting Children with Alternative Regulation Requirements
Children with diagnosed conditions that may affect emotional regulation (such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, or anxiety disorders) often need tailored approaches that support their specific needs while building on the same fundamental principles. Effective support includes:
For children with ADHD:
- Providing more frequent movement breaks
- Breaking down regulation strategies into smaller steps
- Using visual reminders and timers to support regulation
- Creating environments with fewer distractions during challenging tasks
- Building in regular opportunities for physical activity
- Teaching specific self-talk strategies for impulse control
For children with autism spectrum disorder:
- Creating highly predictable routines with visual supports
- Developing individualized sensory regulation plans
- Teaching explicit emotion recognition using photos or drawings
- Using concrete, specific language about emotions
- Providing additional preparation for transitions and changes
- Respecting intense interests and using them to teach regulation
For children with anxiety disorders:
- Creating gradual exposure plans for anxiety-provoking situations
- Helping distinguish between realistic and unrealistic fears
- Using relaxation techniques consistently
- Developing clear action plans for handling panic or intense anxiety
- Balancing emotional validation with gentle encouragement to try challenging situations
For children who have experienced trauma:
- Establishing consistent safety and predictability
- Providing additional support during transitions
- Recognizing trauma triggers and developing response plans
- Creating safe spaces for regulation when overwhelmed
- Emphasizing relationship-building as the foundation for regulation
- Collaborating with trauma-informed mental health professionals
These specialized approaches work best when embedded within the general principles of co-regulation, supportive environments, and skill-building discussed throughout this article. The goal remains the same—helping children develop a robust emotional toolbox—even when the path requires additional support or adaptation.
Conclusion: Building Resilience Through Emotional Regulation
The journey to help children develop emotional regulation skills is both challenging and profoundly rewarding. As we’ve explored throughout this article, these skills form the foundation for resilience—that vital capacity to adapt to life’s inevitable challenges and setbacks while maintaining wellbeing and continued growth.
Research consistently shows that children who develop strong emotional regulation abilities in their early years are better equipped for success across all domains of life. From academic achievement and social relationships to mental health and overall life satisfaction, the benefits extend far beyond childhood into adolescence and adulthood.
What makes this developmental area so powerful is that it’s highly responsive to supportive input from caring adults. Unlike some aspects of development that are heavily influenced by genetics or factors beyond our control, emotional regulation skills can be taught, practiced, and strengthened through intentional guidance and everyday interactions.
As parents and early years professionals, we have the privilege and responsibility of being emotional architects—designing environments, relationships, and experiences that help children build their emotional toolboxes. Through co-regulation, we provide the scaffolding that allows children to gradually internalize regulation skills and develop independence.
Remember that emotional regulation development is not a linear process. Children will have good days and challenging days. They’ll master skills and then seem to temporarily lose them during times of stress or transition. This pattern of progress, plateau, and occasional regression is entirely normal and part of how the developing brain consolidates new skills.
The investment we make in supporting children’s emotional regulation pays dividends not only in their immediate wellbeing but also in their capacity to navigate an increasingly complex world with confidence and adaptability. By helping children understand and manage their emotions effectively, we give them perhaps the most valuable gift of all—the ability to be resilient in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.
As you implement the strategies discussed in this article, be patient with yourself and the children in your care. Building emotional regulation skills takes time, consistency, and plenty of practice for everyone involved. Celebrate small victories, learn from setbacks, and remember that each emotional moment—even the challenging ones—provides an opportunity for growth and connection.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age should children be able to regulate their emotions?
Emotional regulation develops gradually throughout childhood. Infants rely completely on caregivers for regulation, while toddlers begin developing basic strategies but still need significant support. By ages 3-5, children can use simple regulation techniques with guidance, and by early elementary years (5-8), most children can employ a range of strategies more independently. However, even adolescents and adults continue to refine these skills. Development varies widely between individuals, with some children naturally finding regulation easier than others due to temperament and environmental factors (Child Mind Institute, 2025).
What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
While they may look similar, tantrums and meltdowns have different causes and require different responses. Tantrums typically have a clear trigger related to a denied want or unmet expectation, include awareness of audience (may intensify or decrease based on attention), and often resolve when the child gets what they want or accepts they won’t. Meltdowns, by contrast, usually occur when sensory input becomes overwhelming, continue regardless of audience, often build gradually, require significant recovery time in a less stimulating environment, and may be prevented through sensory accommodations (Parents.com, 2023).
How can I help my toddler manage big emotions?
To help toddlers manage big emotions, first validate their feelings without judgment—all emotions are acceptable even if certain behaviors aren’t. Create a calm-down space with comforting items like stuffed animals or sensory toys. Use simple language to name emotions: “You feel sad” or “I see you’re angry.” Provide physical comfort and co-regulate by staying calm yourself. Offer limited choices to restore a sense of control. Maintain consistent routines and prepare for transitions. Remember that toddlers are still developing regulation skills and need patience and support (Gottman Institute, 2024).
Should I punish my child for emotional outbursts?
Research consistently shows that punishing emotional expression is counterproductive to developing healthy regulation. Instead, separate feelings from behaviors in your responses by saying, “It’s okay to feel angry; it’s not okay to hit.” Provide natural consequences for inappropriate behaviors rather than punishments for the emotions themselves. Focus on teaching alternative expressions rather than suppressing emotions. Remember that developing regulation is a skill, not a choice—children aren’t choosing to lose control. Create consistent boundaries while maintaining emotional support (Child Mind Institute, 2025).
How can I tell if my child needs professional help with emotional regulation?
Consider seeking professional help if your child shows persistent challenges that continue despite consistent use of effective strategies, are significantly more intense or frequent than peers of similar age, show little improvement over time, and occur across multiple settings (home, school, community). Also watch for significant impacts on daily functioning and participation, learning and academic progress, peer relationships, family life, or the child’s self-concept. Specific concerning patterns might include emotional responses disconnected from triggering events, prolonged recovery from emotional episodes, extremely limited emotional expression, intense anxiety preventing participation in age-appropriate activities, aggressive behavior posing safety risks, or rapidly shifting emotional states without clear triggers (Mental Health Center Kids, 2023).
How can I create a calming space for my child?
Create an effective calming space by designating a comfortable, partially enclosed area that feels safe without being isolating. Include items that engage different senses: soft pillows or weighted blankets for tactile comfort; calming music or noise-canceling headphones for auditory regulation; visual supports like feeling charts or calming strategy cards; and fidget tools or stress balls for movement. Personalize the space based on what helps your specific child—some need minimal sensory input while others benefit from more sensory engagement. Introduce and practice using the space during calm times, not just during emotional moments, and allow children to decide when they need to use it (CASEL Schoolguide, 2024).
How can I model good emotional regulation for my child?
Model effective emotional regulation by naming your own feelings out loud: “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” Demonstrate healthy coping strategies in real time: “I need to take some deep breaths to calm down.” Talk through your regulation process: “I’m upset about this email, so I’m going to wait until I’m calmer before responding.” Acknowledge when you make mistakes and demonstrate repair: “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling overwhelmed and should have taken a break.” Maintain consistency between what you teach and what you demonstrate. Remember, children learn more from watching your actions than from listening to your words (Reframing Autism, 2023).
What role does temperament play in emotional regulation?
Temperament—a child’s inborn behavioral style—significantly influences emotional regulation development. Children with highly reactive temperaments may experience emotions more intensely and require more support to develop regulation skills. Those with naturally more cautious or fearful temperaments might become overwhelmed more easily in new situations. Children with high activity levels might struggle with strategies requiring stillness. Rather than trying to change a child’s fundamental temperament, effective support involves understanding their unique temperamental traits and tailoring regulation strategies to work with rather than against these natural tendencies. With appropriate support, children of all temperaments can develop effective regulation skills (Eisenberg et al., 2004).
How can I help my child identify their emotions?
Help children identify emotions by labeling feelings during everyday experiences: “You look disappointed that we can’t go to the park.” Create a feelings vocabulary chart with faces showing different expressions. Read books with emotional themes and discuss how characters feel. Play emotion charades or guessing games. Use feeling check-ins throughout the day: “How are you feeling right now?” Validate all emotions as normal and acceptable. Share your own feelings using specific emotional vocabulary. Connect emotions to body sensations: “When I’m nervous, my heart beats fast.” For younger children, use mirrors to practice making different emotional expressions together (Therapyworks, 2023).
What are the best resources for learning more about emotional regulation?
Top resources for emotional regulation include books like “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, which explains brain development and provides practical strategies; “Permission to Feel” by Marc Brackett, offering evidence-based approaches to emotional intelligence; and “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish for communication techniques. Websites such as the Child Mind Institute (childmind.org) provide research-based articles on emotional development, while the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (developingchild.harvard.edu) offers science-based resources on early childhood development. Many local mental health organizations also offer parent workshops specifically on emotional regulation (American Psychological Association, 2023).
References
American Psychological Association. (2023). How to help kids understand and manage their emotions. American Psychological Association.
Bailey, B. A. (2015). Conscious discipline: Building resilient classrooms. Loving Guidance.
Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711-731.
CASEL Schoolguide. (2024). A supportive classroom environment. Casel Schoolguide.
Center on the Developing Child. (2016). Building core capabilities for life: The science behind the skills adults need to succeed in parenting and in the workplace. Harvard University.
Child Mind Institute. (2025). How can we help kids with emotional self-regulation? Child Mind Institute.
Conkbayir, M. (2017). Emotional regulation in early childhood. Early Years Educator.
Damour, L. (2019). Under pressure: Confronting the epidemic of stress and anxiety in girls. Ballantine Books.
Denham, S. A., Blair, K. A., DeMulder, E., Levitas, J., Sawyer, K., Auerbach-Major, S., & Queenan, P. (2003). Preschool emotional competence: Pathway to social competence. Child Development, 74(1), 238-256.
Eisenberg, N., Guthrie, I. K., Fabes, R. A., Shepard, S., Losoya, S., Murphy, B. C., Jones, S., Poulin, R., & Reiser, M. (1997). The relations of regulation and emotionality to resiliency and competent social functioning in elementary school children. Child Development, 68(2), 295-311.
Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495-525.
Eisenberg, N., Valiente, C., Fabes, R. A., Smith, C. L., Reiser, M., Shepard, S. A., Losoya, S. H., Guthrie, I. K., Murphy, B. C., & Cumberland, A. J. (2003). The relations of effortful control and ego control to children’s resiliency and social functioning. Developmental Psychology, 39(4), 761-776.
Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Morris, A. S. (2004). Regulation, resiliency, and quality of social functioning. Self and Identity, 3(2), 121-128.
Gee, D. G., Humphreys, K. L., Flannery, J., Goff, B., Telzer, E. H., Shapiro, M., Hare, T. A., Bookheimer, S. Y., & Tottenham, N. (2013). A developmental shift in the neural correlates of emotion regulation. Journal of Neuroscience, 33(5), 1516-1532.
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243-268.
Gottman Institute. (2024). An age-by-age guide to helping kids manage emotions. Gottman Institute.
Gunnar, M. R., & Quevedo, K. (2007). The neurobiology of stress and development. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 145-173.
Hunter, C. (2023). Examples of nurturing – How to create a supportive environment in Early Years. Teach Early Years.
Jones, D. E., Greenberg, M., & Crowley, M. (2015). Early social-emotional functioning and public health: The relationship between kindergarten social competence and future wellness. American Journal of Public Health, 105(11), 2283-2290.
Marchette, L. (2024). Co-regulation: Helping children and teens navigate big emotions. Harvard Health.
Mental Health Center Kids. (2023). Emotional regulation for kids. Mental Health Center Kids.
Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., & Christopoulos, C. (2017). Self-regulation and toxic stress: Foundations for understanding self-regulation from an applied developmental perspective. OPRE Report 2018-46.
Parents.com. (2023). How to help an emotionally sensitive child. Parents.
Reframing Autism. (2023). Emotional regulation, part two: Using co-regulation to teach emotional regulation. Reframing Autism.
Shanker, S. (2016). Self-reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life. Penguin Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
Therapyworks. (2023). Emotional regulation in children. Therapyworks.
Tottenham, N. (2018). The brain’s emotional development. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Further Reading and Research
Recommended Articles
- Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495-525.
- Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711-731.
- Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243-268.
Suggested Books
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
- Provides strategies based on neuroscience to help children develop emotional regulation by integrating different parts of the brain.
- Shanker, S. (2016). Self-reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life. Penguin Books.
- Offers a comprehensive framework for understanding stress and self-regulation, with practical techniques for helping children manage energy and tension.
- Bailey, B. A. (2015). Conscious discipline: Building resilient classrooms. Loving Guidance.
- Presents classroom-tested strategies for early childhood educators to create environments that support emotional regulation and resilience.
Recommended Websites
- Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (developingchild.harvard.edu)
- Features extensive research on early brain development, including videos, articles, and practical resources on supporting emotional regulation.
- Child Mind Institute (childmind.org)
- Offers evidence-based advice on childhood mental health and development, with specific sections on emotional regulation, tantrums, and anxiety.
- Gottman Institute (gottman.com)
- Provides research-based resources on emotion coaching and parent-child relationships, including articles and tools for developing emotional intelligence.
Recommended Early Years TV Sessions
- Dr Louise Mansell on Emotional Resilience and Emotional Regulation
- Self-Regulation Skills in Young Children with Sue Asquith
- Dr Cindy Hovington on Emotional Regulation
Kathy Brodie
Kathy Brodie is an Early Years Professional, Trainer and Author of multiple books on Early Years Education and Child Development. She is the founder of Early Years TV and the Early Years Summit.
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